Fire
by MaryWhite
Summary: Elliot begins to question everything about his life and his choices after Richard, his once mentor, kills an innocent woman. Will Elliot be playing with fire for his choices afterward and will he bring Olivia down with him?
1. Addiction

**I know that people that do read my stories are wondering where I've been. To say that inspiration is not needed is to be ignorant when it comes to writing. Inspiration has been very much lacking in my writing process and so I simply stopped. My other SVU stories were taken down so I can re-work and fix what needs to be fixed. There are far too many mistakes in my other stories that need to be addressed. Once I am done with editing them, I will upload them again. **

**This is a story that I thought about after the episode "Lunacy" aired. I thought a lot about what would have taken place just after Olivia's question and that's where my story begins. I hope it's to your liking. **

Addiction

"Are you okay?"

I could hear her speaking but couldn't form a coherent sentence. What do I say to something that just tore my whole world, life, ideals apart? The man I shaped my whole life around went against everything I thought he was. My decision to join the Marine Corp was all for him. I wanted to impress him.

"No."

That was all my brain would allow. The neurons racing from my brain to the muscles in my face would only allow so much at this point and 'no' was all that it would give me. I was surprised I could even stand. I continued to look in the shocked eyes of my partner, my beautiful, confused partner. There she stood dressed to go out only to be right back where she was before.

"Elliot, you look like you got into a fight and why the hell is Richard cuffed?"

She had such sincerity in her big brown eyes, though her voice was stern and a bit angry. I knew she wasn't going to take no for an answer but right now talking was the last thing I wanted to do. Right now a stiff drink and sleep sounded about right.

"Liv…I can't do this right now."

"El…"

"Just back off alright! Talk to the arresting officers. I need some air."

I know that I shouldn't walk away. She would probably complain about my lack of communication later but I just can't do this with her right now. Not when everything I held dear to me became a lie.

"Okay, we won't talk about it, not now at least. Elliot, your face is pretty bad. At least go home and get some ice on that head before you get a bump the size of a golf ball."

She turned to leave me and I suddenly felt my blood stop cold and my breath leave my chest. Home? No way in hell was I going home. Kathy and I weren't exactly on speaking terms yet and what the hell would I say to Dickey? Hello son. Do you remember the man I trusted, the man I named after you? Yeah, he killed a woman. Surprise! Yeah, home was pretty much out.

"Liv, wait. How are you getting home?"

She turned to look at me and suddenly I felt the urge to reach out and bring her into my arms. I didn't of course but the look on her face told me she needed it, maybe even wanted it. Olivia Benson wasn't one to allow her weakness to shine through but feeling like a fool seemed to seep through her skin. Once again she went for the wrong guy and I couldn't help but feel responsible.

"I'll call a cab. That's how I got here so that's how I'll leave."

"I have my car. Let me take you home."

She shook her head and I could see her chest contracting. Why was it so hard to face her with all of my weaknesses? We used to be able to tell each other anything but as time marches on talking just seems to get harder, a waist of time and words sound idle. It's as if speaking a coherent sentence is not possible when we get into a sticky situation.

"You need to get home and like you said, you need some air."

"Stop being stubborn and get in the car."

Oh crap. She's walking closer and with a not so happy look painted on her face.

"You're shitting me right? I ask you something as simple as 'are you okay' and I can't get a straight answer out of you and I'm being stubborn? You have some balls on you."

Simple wasn't the word I would use. If only she knew how much this was eating me alive. I know I should tell her and maybe sometime I will but right now I didn't want to think. I just wanted to be numb. Numb was good. Numb was safe.

"Please get in the car."

She can see that I am not going to ask again. If she says no, that's it. I'm not the kind of man to negotiate, to beg. I'll ask two times at most but after that I'm done. Call it a bad trait but it's something I have never been able to separate from the civility in me and the ass hole in me.

I know I've won when she walks over to the car and slides in to the passenger seat, slamming the door after she's all the way in. She knows me better then anyone else in the world, even better then my wife of twenty-three years. It's sad really. Not that she knows me better then Kathy. The job answers that response without question. It's sad that she knows me so well but I never really take the time to know her better.

Once I get in the car and slam the door, I can see the side of her head while she's looking out the window. From experience, I know this is going to be a very quiet trip to her apartment, a twenty minute ride that will consist of sighs, silence, and taping. My car smells like french-fries, coffee, and cologne with a slight hint of Olivia's perfume. Vanilla. I love that scent.

"You really aren't going to tell me what happened?"

I turn to her after halting at a red light. Does she really not see that I just want to forget it? Fine. If she wants to play this game then so can I. Playing the asshole card, I shove the shit right back.

"You never told me about Seal View so why the hell should I indulge you with my information?"

"You're kidding right? Elliot, I told you what happened! What the hell do you want, details?"

"Something other then 'he knocked me around' would be nice. You never talk about it except with Fin. I feel like the odd man out. Like I'm the only shmuck left out and yet I am supposed to be your partner and 'best friend.' Don't come to me expecting me to give you every detail of my life when you never talk to me anymore."

I can see her shake her head and turn her attention back to the streets of New York. If anything, Olivia was good at avoiding things. I knew she didn't want to talk about Seal View just like I didn't want to talk about the ass that turned my world inside out. The light turns green and so my attention is taken away from her for a slight second. Just for a second. Like I said. I'm an asshole.

"Not talking huh? Figures. Don't expect someone to give you all the information when you don't feel compelled to give the same courtesy. It's annoying and…"

"He almost rapped me."

It was a hushed whisper but I could hear her. I let her words sink in and slowly crawl its way to my conscious mind. I almost hit the brakes, turn her around and demand she tell me exactly what he did but I could tell that she wanted to forget what she had let slip past her lips. I was almost going to let it go but I couldn't. I needed to know how far that basterd got.

"What do you mean 'almost'? What did he do Liv?"

"Elliot, it doesn't matter okay. I'm getting help and that's that. It happened and I can't do anything about it now. So there you go. Now you know."

"No, no I don't. This is the information I get? He slapped me around a little and he almost rapped me? How can I help you if you won't talk to me?"

"I don't want your help! You can't even help yourself Elliot! I saw the unmade bed in the crib this morning. You slept there again. That would make this a week that the crib has been home for you. You can't even keep your marriage from falling apart for the second time and you think I want or need your help?"

Well that hurt. It was all true but coming from her mouth just infuriated me all the more. Throwing it back in her face is something I am famous for so why let up now?

"Oh that's rich coming from a woman who can't even keep a relationship going for more then a few months and you are lecturing me on keeping a relationship? Talk about the pot calling the kettle black."

"I asked what was wrong because I saw how lost you looked. I was trying to comfort you but you know what? As far as I am concerned, you can go to hell. Stop the car."

"We're almost there alright. Keep your thong on."

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me. I can see the outline of your thong from here. You were going to jump into bed with that asshole weren't you?"

"That is none of your goddamn business! What I do outside of work is none of your concern. Worry about your own life and keep the hell out of mine!"

"Sure Liv. Sleep with all the men in the tri state area for all I care."

"I know that you are having a bad day Elliot but don't you dare take it out on me. This is why I don't talk to you anymore! You learn one little piece of information about me then throw it back in my face! Keep it up and I won't be around any more."

"Been there, done that."

She didn't even wait for me to pull into the parking structure and walk her up like I normally do. The minute I pulled into the entrance, she jumped out, grabbed her purse and slammed the door. I sped to get a parking spot and raced up to her apartment. She may have been done but I sure as hell wasn't. I reached her door and banged on the wood as hard as I could.

"Open the damn door Liv! You forget I do have a spare key!"

Some grey haired old guy steps out of his apartment and shouts, "Then use it so we can all get some goddamn sleep!" He shuts the door and I pull out my set of keys. That's when I hear the door open and see her back turned to me as she walks away from the door.

I step through the doorway and shut the door behind me. Her apartment smells like Jasmine and Vanilla. Olivia always smelled like Vanilla and I always thought it was a perfume but maybe it's from the candles she has burning in her living room.

"Say what you have to say then get the hell out."

"He killed Marga Janssen. He killed her. The man I admired for so many years turned out to be a worthless killer."

I sat down on her couch. My legs felt like weights holding me down and keeping me from moving. "I named my son after him for god sake. He shook his fucking hand. That bastered touched my son's hand. Hell, he almost took you out! I feel like a fucking idiot. I feel like I let all of you down."

I could feel the couch dip a little to the weight of a new body. She didn't say anything. Another testament to how well she knew me. Silence. That's what I needed right now. No 'it will be all right' or 'it's not your fault' comments. Silence.

"I need a beer."

"I have a few Budweiser's in the fridge."

She stood up and went to get me what I needed, what I've needed since I walked out of that hotel room after beating the crap out of the man I trusted. With my eyes closed, I could hear Liv open and close the fridge, open the two bottles of beer and walk back to the living room. Looking down, I could see that she wasn't wearing the stilettos she was wearing earlier. In fact, she had nothing on her feet. It was the first time I had ever seen her bare feet. They were beautiful. I looked up and noticed a soft and gentle look on Olivia's face. No matter what kind of ass I made out of myself she always had a way of forgiving me and by God I loved her for it.

Just as I put the brew to my mouth I heard her mumble, "You could never have known what he was capable of Elliot and you didn't ask him to ask me out. He asked me and I said yes."

"Would you have said 'yes' if I hadn't trusted him?"

She sat down and took a long sip of her drink. "Okay, you trusting him did help a little with my decision to say yes but I am an adult Elliot. I also pride myself on being good at reading people. Richard gave me no indication what-so-ever that he was a killer, a little ambitious maybe but a killer? I guess old age is making me loose my touch."

"I've known the guy longer then I've known Kathy, Liv. I didn't see it so age doesn't have shit to do with it."

"What even gave you a hint that it could have been him?"

"Something Dickey said."

"What?"

She took another swig of her beer, set it down on the table and moved a little closer to me. God she smelled good. Her dress rode up a little as she scooted closer to me exposing more of her tanned leg. It took every self control I had not to touch her soft, brown thigh that was exposed to the night air.

"He said, 'anyone would do anything to go to the Moon.' It just clicked. I took the little space ship Richard gave him and compared it to the finger print on the necklace. Once I got the confirmation that it matched, I went over to the hotel and…well…you see my face."

The taste of beer was so sweet and inviting. It cooled every ounce of anger and frustration in me. I set my beer on the table just as I felt Olivia's hand on my leg. It was to comfort me but it did far more then it should have. I wanted to taste her. Call it adrenaline or stupidity. I looked into her beautiful eyes, saw the tenderness and decided to throw caution to the wind.

With one hand on her exposed thigh and the other drawing her face closer to me, I gently touched my lips to hers. It started out slow, testing the waters but once I got passed the testing stage, eagerness took over. I drew her face closer to mine and pressed my lips harder to hers. To say it was good wouldn't be quite right. It was fantastic. I felt every nerve in my skin coming alive. I wanted more. The leg on her thigh wrapped around her waist to draw her body closer to mine. Just as I was about to take the kiss further I felt nothing. I went from sharing the best kiss I've felt in years to being alone on the couch.

"What the hell was that?"

Opening my eyes, I saw that Olivia had stood up and walked to the other side of the living room. I wanted more, more touching, kissing, electricity. I wanted more Olivia but now I had to stop feeling and I had to think.

"I have no idea. I just…reacted."

"Have you completely lost your mind? Elliot, if Kathy finds out about this we're both dead. Hell if Cragen finds out we're dead!"

"Have I lost my mind? Liv, you kissed me back. I wasn't alone here."

"That's not the point Elliot!"

"Stop fucking yelling. I know it's not the point but it happened and I'm not sorry."

I stood up and began to walk toward her. She held out her hand to halt me but I wasn't going to let this go like it never happened. I needed her to see that I didn't regret finally going for what I wanted for once.

"I'm tired of putting my life on hold because it'd be the wrong thing to do or it's against the rules. For once I want to feel instead of being numb."

"The hell with everyone else that gets hurt in the process? What the hell has gotten in to you?"

"Reality."

"You're hurting and so you're looking for a fix. I can't be your cure, El. Call your wife and your kids and go home."

She began to walk away from me but I halted her by grabbing her upper arm. I slowly dragged her back to me and continued where I left off. She felt so soft and sweet. It was like an addiction that I couldn't let go of. It wasn't that I wanted a fix but that I needed a fix. I needed her. Not any woman I could kiss but her. Olivia. I had one hand on her face keeping her in place, my other arm wrapped around her waist and I began to slowly drag her closer to my body. I could have sworn I heard her moan and that gave me the incentive I needed to continue with my ministration. Just how far I was willing to take this was at the back of mind at the moment.

**It's torture to stop there but I promise that as soon as I get the opportunity, you will all get more. I hope you enjoyed it and please leave a review, good or bad. **


	2. The Road Not Taken

**This chapter has a lot going on internally but bear with me. I have always wondered why Elliot does what he does day in and day out but is never truly happy. Anger and frustration are a big part of his character and I wanted to know why that is. This chapter tells a little about what I think is really going on. **

The Road Not Taken

To say I may have hit rock bottom right now would be an understatement. Not when I feel a homeless guy waking me up in the middle of an alley near a bar I called home for a few hours last night.

"Hey, asshole, you don't belong here. This is my turf! Get your own dumpster! I'm so sick of these new punks thinking they can take whatever they want wherever they want." I felt another poke to my ribs before he started shouting, "Go on! Get! What the hell are you waiting for! You want me to start kicking you! 'Cuse I could do that buddy! I may be old but I still have it in me! Just wait and see!"

"Alright! I'm up. Where the hell am I anyway?"

"Your in my spot is where you are! Now get the hell out of here!"

I slowly began to stand up. Dizziness took over and pain filled my head. A hard, gut wrenching throb throughout my entire skull almost brought me to my knees. I stood for a second before my feet would allow me to walk. As I made my way to the street, I almost panicked. What if my wallet was gone? I hurried to check my back pocket and breathed a sigh of relief when I felt the bulge that should be there. I took it out, checked to see how much cash I had on me and got the shock of my life. My eyes about popped out of their sockets. Right before I dropped Dickey off, I know I went to the ATM and got at least two hundred out. Now I only have forty bucks? How much did I drink last night?

As I walked to get my car in Liv's parking structure, my mind wandered back to the events that occurred before my drinking games began. My father once told me that a road that is paved with good intentions leads straight to Hell. Well…that wouldn't be too far from the truth right about now. Not only did I kiss my partner and best friend while I am still very much married, I drank myself stupid and ended up sleeping in an alley after she kicked my ass out. My "good intention" was my excuse. I kissed her because I needed it but I tried to tell myself that so did she last night. We both needed release and boy was I wrong.

I looked at my watch after hopping in my car. I had exactly two hours before I had to punch in and my work day would begin. Perfect. I had plenty of time to get there, change, down at least three cups of coffee and take six Aspirin. No one would ever know. Maybe Olivia would be early enough so that I could apologize for taking things too far. Though she kissed me back and maybe even wanted it to happen, the timing was bad. I was still married, we were still partners and the job was all she had right now. Getting involved would be bad no matter how many ways we sliced it.

After getting to the precinct, I headed straight for the locker room, grabbed my clothes and headed in the direction of the showers. I tried so hard to remember what had happened after that last shot of tequila but my head was in too much pain to allow me to reminisce on mistakes I know I would soon regret later on. Instead, I allowed the water to wash away the filth on my body; my head would have to wait. I got out about twenty minutes later, dried off and got dressed. As I entered the locker room, that wonderful scent of vanilla filled my nostrils.

"You didn't answer your cell this morning. Where were you?"

"Sleeping."

I chucked my towel in my locker, hooked my gun and badge onto my belt and slammed the metal door shut. She was sitting right next to where I stood with her head pointed towards the floor and I couldn't help but feel guilty for hurting her the way that I had. I sat down next to her and sighed.

"I fucked things up bad didn't I?"

"You always do stupid shit when you go through something bad but yeah. You really fucked up last night El."

"I guess 'sorry' isn't enough huh?"

"I'm not sure 'sorry' is going to work this time. Not only did you insult me with words, you kissed me twice. What do you want me to do now? Forgive and forget that you totally screwed up our partnership and pissed all over your marriage vows last night? I just…I just want to know why. Why would you do something so stupid?"

I breathed in deep and let her question sink in. Why did I, for the first time in my life, do something for me? Was I at the end of my rope? Truth be told, I had no fucking clue what came over me. Normally I am a pretty good guy when it comes to controlling my sexual emotions around Olivia. Hell, I've been doing it for almost eleven years. But last night, she was all I had and she was what I wanted.

"I wish I could give you an answer but…"

"You can't. Look, I know that what happened with Dick, what you found out, was hard but…you can't throw away everything you worked so hard for, everything you love just because he made a terrible decision. No matter what you may think, you made choices in your life that were best for you. You didn't marry Kathy, have five children and became a detective because Richard would have approved. You did all of those things for you. Just…think things through before you act."

"Last night I may have done some things I regret, bad timing and all Liv, but I wouldn't take them back."

"Yes you would have Elliot. No way would you throw away a twenty-three year marriage and a ten year partnership if you were thinking clearly."

"That was part of my problem Liv. I was thinking clearly, maybe a little too clearly for my own good."

"That makes absolutely no sense."

I needed her to see me when I said this. No looking at the wall or the floor but right into my eyes. I gently placed my hand underneath her head and forced her to be in my line of sight.

"All my life I have done what everyone expected of me. My father expected me to follow in his footsteps and so I did. I got Kathy pregnant and so I did what the church and the adults in my life expected me to do and I took responsibility for my actions and married her, dreams and future plans aside. Year after year, day after day, I go to work, bring in the money my family expects me to make and then I go home. I'm tired of being numb, I'm tired of sitting on the sidelines and waiting for someone to take my hand and guide me back to the right path and most of all, I'm tired of not being able to think and feel for myself."

I could see the confusion in her face as she let the words I had spoken travel through her mind. She didn't understand what I was saying to her right now when most of the time she did. I wanted to make her understand but how? How could I explain that everyday was a frunt I was putting on to satisfy everyone. I pretty much told her that my actions, from the very first time she met me, were all a lie. Everything I did, everything I am is a lie.

"Look, I know that this doesn't make much sense but I can't make it any clearer. Let's just…move on and forget last night ever happened."

I stood up to go but was halted by her lack of movement. She just sat there without moving a muscle. It was one of those times when I wished I could read her mind. I wanted to know what she felt, what she thought, what she wanted to say.

"You pretty much told me that everything you do, everything that you have done in the past ten years that I have known you was for everyone else and you expect me to just forget it and move on?"

So she had understood. I turned to look at her and noticed that she had tears running down her face. What could I have said that could possibly be making her cry? Did she think my feelings for her were a lie to? In actuality, Liv and my friendship was the only good and true thing I have in my life, outside of the love and devotion I have for my children.

"Yeah, I do. No matter how I feel, no matter what I want, it doesn't matter. I have responsibilities to my kids and to the job to just stop fucking whining and suck it up. Last night was a crack in the mold. It won't happen again."

I saw her stand up and walk closer to me, her hands in her jeans and her eyes pointed at my face. I wish I could throw everything out and start fresh but I can't. I wanted to for her and for me but nothing could change the fact that my kids came first. I had to do the only thing I knew how to do for them.

"You can't live your life for other people Elliot. If you continue like you are, you will never be happy and you will always blame that unhappiness on other people instead of looking at the problem."

"That's easy for you to say. You don't have kids. Hell, you've never even been in a committed relationship long enough to know what sacrifice means. I wish I could wash away the black board and start with a clean slat but Liv…I can't. It's not that easy."

"Just because I have never been married or have had kids doesn't mean I don't know what sacrificing means. I have sacrificed BEING married and HAVING kids for this job. I do it because it's what I'm good at and because it makes me happy. At least I know that my sacrifices have made me happy. Could you stand there and say the same?"

"Sacrificing is not the issue Liv. Yes, you sacrifice for the job but you can walk away and move on to something different. I can't walk away from my kids, from my family."

"Could I? Being a cop is all I know how to be. Yes, you can't walk away from your kids El. That's not what I am talking about."

"Then what are you talking about?"

She breathed in deep and didn't even blink when she let slip what her real intention for the conversation was. "Being happy, no matter what path you decide to take. Choose the road less traveled El. Maybe then you can find some peace."

As she headed for the door my brain tried to process what the hell she was talking about. "The road less traveled? What the hell does that even mean?"

As she reached for the locker room door handle, she turned and smiled. "One of the benefits of having an English professor for a mother is being exposed to all types of literature, even poems. 'The Road Not Taken' is a poem by Robert Frost and what he meant by that is choosing decisions in life that not everyone has decided made him happy. He had no regrets in the end. That's what I mean for you. You are making decisions in your life based on what people expect of you because you are a man, a father and a husband. The world has molded you into what it wants. It's the road everyone takes. It's the road most traveled. Choose the road less traveled and you might be a little more happy."

She turned to walk away and I had to know something before we went to back to the job and pretended that nothing happened, at least until I figured out what road I should continue on.

"Are we okay? I just…I know that I fucked up last night and I still have a lot of thinking to do but…I need to know that we're okay."

She sighed and whispered, "Yeah. We're okay. Just keep clear of me when you have a mental breakdown. I don't want to be dragged into the flames when you set yourself on fire again."

She walked out of the locker room with a smile on her face. I laughed and breathed a sigh of relief. At least I was able to salvage this relationship. I wasn't so confident when it came to Kathy. When she told me she was pregnant with Eli, I did what I was supposed to do. Square one was virtually being worn out with our relationship. I went home, pretended that everything was okay and tried to ignore the growing resentment I had.

I resented the fact that I put myself in this position again. I gave in and gave Kathy what she wanted but I never stopped to think about what I wanted just like the first time around. I didn't want another twenty-three years to role around until I finally decided to tell her how I felt. I loved Kathy but I wasn't in love with her anymore. She and the kids deserved better and so did I.

Then and there, standing in the locker room of the precinct, I decided that I would take the first step down the road less traveled. I just hope I am taking the right steps in the direction of feeling. No more hollowness. The first step to moving on is to be honest. Kathy had to know the truth and I had to know what it felt like to finally do something for me for a change. I felt like a selfish asshole but…I couldn't continue like this anymore.

**This one was a bit tough to write. There is so much Elliot is feeling and so much he wants to do but how to do it, not to mention what to do about it, is the challenge. I want him to discover what it's like to finally do what makes him happy instead of trying to appease everyone else. There will be some of Olivia helping him with this and some bad decisions along the way to discovery but…you'll see where he ends up with time. I hope you liked this chapter and please let me know what you thought. **


	3. Friendship Revealed

**I am very sorry for the delay. I have been so busy that it's not even funny. School has been kicking my butt and the only reason I am updating now is because I have a day to do this and because I am not sure when I can do it again. **

Friendship Revealed

As I walk in to the all too quiet house I spent years and a lot of money on, anxiety takes over. I begin to doubt myself and the decision I came to make after my talk with Liv. I can hear the sound of Elmo talking in Eli's room and the sound of computer keys coming from Elizabeth's room but the TV in the living room and the lights in the kitchen are both off. Granted I am home a bit earlier then normal but I'm not used to hearing such silence.

After taking off my coat and placing my keys on the kitchen counter, I softly climb the stairs. The light in Kathy and my bedroom is on and I know one of two things, she is either reading or she's talking to a friend on the phone and she wanted her privacy. Guess number one was correct. She was reading _Mrs. Dalloway _for the millionth time. I never really understood her fascination with that book and I never have asked.

As soon as she notice me entering the room, she set her book down and smiled. After Eli was born things began to change in our relationship. She began to talk more about how she felt but instead of getting angry when I wouldn't, she let it go. It was as if she was giving me time to deal with the changes of being a father to a baby again and maybe that was true but it was more then that. Much more.

"Hey. I wasn't expecting you home so soon."

"Yeah. I had a bad night so Cragen let me go home a bit early."

"Speaking of which, where were you? I called your desk, your cell and even talked to Olivia and Cragen. No one knew where you were."

And here we go. This is how most of our fights began. My unwillingness or forgetfulness to call her and inform her about my every move always caused the biggest confrontations. The one thing Kathy doesn't understand is that when I am on the job it's all I think about. One track mind would be the best way to describe it. Last night unfortunately had nothing to do with job. Tequila and a lot of it did. I sat down on my side of the bed so that I could face her and decided to be totally honest with her. After all, I deserved to give her that much after what I am about to do.

"I did something totally and completely stupid last night."

"Okay…"

"I just…couldn't handle it. Dick ended up being a murderer. The man I shaped my whole life around. The man I named my own son after turned out to be no better then the basterds I put away and I couldn't deal with it. Everything that I knew and everything I thought I understood turned out to be nothing but a lie and…"

"Elliot, what did you do?"

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath because I knew this next part would sting. I knew that she would look at me as a disgusting piece of shit and I deserved it. I cheated on my wife and what did I have to show for it?

In a low and shameful whisper I said, "I kissed Olivia."

Silence. I just told my wife of twenty-three years that I kissed the very woman she was afraid I might start an affair with and there was silence. She didn't yell at me, she didn't throw objects at my head or curse me to deepest pit of Hell. Silence.

I looked up into her eyes and then I realized why she had not said anything. She had silent tears running down her face as her eyes were shut, taking in all of what I had just said to her. I wanted so desperately to reach out and wipe away her tears and hold her as I apologized but somehow I realized that not enough "sorrys" in the world would take away the pain I had caused.

"How long?"

The words were so low that I almost wanted to ask her to repeat them.

"Last night was the first and only time."

"Did you do more then kiss?"

"No! No. After arresting Dick I…she…damit! I kissed her because I needed an outlet and she was there. She pushed me away and smacked the shit out of me if that helps any. After leaving, I went to a bar a few blocks away, got way too drunk and passed out in an alley next to the bar. It can be safe to say that I am not drinking tequila anytime soon."

Kathy laughed a little and whipped her cheeks with the back of her hand. I could see her emotions going into mellow mode and I hoped it would stay that way. Once I saw her shaking her head I began to doubt that it would.

"I'm glad you are okay but…I know you better then you think I do and I know that you didn't just kiss Olivia because she was the only woman around Elliot. You kissed her because you wanted to. Let's just be honest here."

I nodded my head to confirm that she was right. "I know. Kathy…I never meant or planed for it to happen. I was frustrated and emotional and I finally let it out. I'm sorry."

Kathy sniffled and rested her head against the headboard while she contemplated the next words that were to come. She always looked up to the ceiling when she needed to find the time to think. She did this when we were teens and has been doing it ever since. I used to find it annoying as hell but now…it's just Kathy.

"This isn't just about Dick is it?"

"What do you mean?"

"Elliot, God knows I love you even though you can drive me up the wall sometimes and I know that you love me too but…I need to know what you want. Do you want out? I just don't want you here if you don't want to be and I sure as hell am not going to be the reason you're unhappy."

As I let the words seep into my pores, into every crevice of my skin, I couldn't help but be afraid. Doubting myself when it came to my marriage has always been in the back of my mind. I always used to ask myself if I was a good enough husband and right now my answer would be no. I'm not a good enough husband. I guess the reason for that would be because my heart is just not in it anymore.

"When you and I first got married, I thought that I would be able to do everything in my power to support my family, to be a good husband and a father and do what needed to be done in order for everyone to be happy. The only problem is that I lost sight of what made_ me_ happy in the long run. I'm not saying that I regret the decisions I've made because…I don't. I love you and I love my children and if I had to do it all over again I probably would. I think I'm just at a time in my life where I just can't give anymore. I need to be happy before I can be the kind of man that I need to be and right now…you deserve better."

Kathy breathed in deep and moved closer to me on the bed. I thought I was in the twilight zone when I felt her head on my left shoulder. I wanted to say more but kept silent. I was good at silent.

"Maybe we both deserve better."

I just nodded my head and rested it on top of hers. Right here, in this moment is how our relationship should be like. Not filled with anger or shouting or disappointments. We became what we started out being. Friends. Perhaps this was the role that should have stayed the same instead of changing into something it shouldn't have because of one mistake. But I wouldn't change it for the world. I can't. My kids are my life and they deserve a happy mother and father. If that means having mom and dad not together then so be it.

"What do we do now?"

I kissed the top of her head and whispered, "I think the first step is to talk to the kids and explain things. That way they aren't thrown into something they aren't ready for. I also need to start looking for an apartment and maybe we can call the lawyers and see if the divorce papers from before will go through."

"I know all of that Elliot. I meant with us. What happens with us?"

"I don't understand. What do you mean?"

"You and I have been married for so long. I'm not even sure if we remember how to be anything else to each other. What kind of relationship will we have?"

"We're doing it right now Kathy."

She lifted her head off of my shoulder and looked at me with a confused expression on her face. "What?"

"We're being friends. That's the way it should be."

She smiled and nodded her head, her hair falling to the sides of her face. "I guess you're right. Wow…friends. I think…I think I like that."

"I think I like that too."

From the smiles on both of our faces I knew that perhaps doing what made me happy wouldn't be so hard. Little did I know that I was wrong.

**Okay, I know this is starting out a bit slow for all of the Elliot/Olivia shippers but…it needs to for how I am taking this story. I hope this chapter was to everyone's liking and please tell me what you all think. **


	4. Shattered and Broken

**Happy New Year everyone! I am so sorry for the delay on this one. I have been on and off sick for the past 7 weeks, just finished up school and have been looking for a job, not to mention the holiday season had passed. Busy would be an understatement. Anyways…here it is and I hope you all like it!**

**Shattered and Broken**

Ten hours. I have been doing paperwork for ten hours straight, a punishment given to me for getting a little too rough with a suspect. Ass duty was probably the best phrase anyone could have come up with because my ass hurt from sitting in this damn chair for so long. I can't even remember when the last time was I ate. The smell of Olivia's sandwich made my stomach growl and so I knew it had to have been a while.

"You got another one for me in that bag?"

"What's the matter Stabler? Too busy or too lazy to get your own?"

"Let's just say I've been too busy to think about anything else other then getting these files completed so I can go home this side of Wednesday. Now stop teasing and tell me if you have food for me or not."

She smiled and tossed a ham and cheese sandwich at me. I caught it, opened it up and began to eat the best sandwich I have ever tasted in my entire life. But now I was thirsty. Just as if she read my mind, a coke was laid on my desk.

"You are my life savor today."

"Just wait till tomorrow. You might be calling me a bitch."

I ignored her as I inhaled the food and drink. Ever since I virtually pounced on Olivia in her apartment and all was forgiven in the locker room six months ago, our friendship was back on track. We began to talk, share things and even bantered like we used to. She even helped me find an apartment and move in to it. The only question I continued to ask myself was now what? Do we continue this friendship? Should I ask for something more with the risk of pushing her away?

"Okay what are thinking about?"

"What?"

"You have that 'I want to say something but I'm not sure I should' look on your face. What's up? Just spit it out."

I set my sandwich down and whipped my mouth off. Chewing the last bit of food, I looked up into her eyes and smiled.

"Can I talk to you in private?"

"Uh…okay."

"Now."

I stood up and hoped that she would follow me. To my luck I could hear her following me up the stairs leading to the roof of the precinct. I opened the door and held it open for her. After closing it behind us, I turned to her and smiled.

"I think I'm ready to start dating."

Her eyebrows went up and she has an expression of shock crawling across her features. I guess she was as surprised as I thought she would be.

"Dating? Really? Anyone in particular or were you just gunning for any lucky girl you pick up?"

"I do kind of have someone specific in mind but I'm not sure she'll say yes."

"What makes you think she won't say yes?"

I begin to walk a little closer to her. I'm aiming for her being pinned against the wall so she can't escape me but I don't want to scare her away so subtlety will have to be the way to go.

"Well…I know she likes me but I think she might be afraid to date me. We've known each other for a while you see and she thinks I'm still hung on my wife, not to mention we sort of work in the same precinct."

I place my hand on her exposed arm and begin to rub up and down the soft flesh. I can feel goose bumps rising and I catch my breath. Having an effect, any kind of effect on Olivia has always fascinated me. How can a tough, independent woman ever allow any one, man or woman, effect her in any way. In a sense I'm flattered.

"You'll never know what she'll say unless you ask her El."

"Okay…Will you come to dinner with me?"

"Ah…so I'm the mystery woman."

I laugh and shake my head. How could I have been such a lucky guy? I know that I have been through some shit in my day but just having a beautiful woman like Olivia as a friend and a partner has been a blessing. Being able to explore other aspects of our relationship would be a godsend. I cannot help, at this moment, but look into her eyes. As much as I would love to get lost in them, she still has not answered my question.

"So…is the mystery woman going to say yes?"

"The mystery woman is going to say no Elliot."

And here I am, back at square one with nothing to show for it. I cannot understand why she is so unwilling to try but then again…deep down I do know why. I'm just not sure, no matter how I feel for her, that I can wait much longer.

I let my hand drop from her arm, place them in my jacket pockets and I back away slowly. Just as I feel like I am about to cry, I turn my head and look out onto the city lights. The last thing I want her to see is how much she is hurting me. How much I am hurting myself.

"Me saying no has nothing to do with the job or the fact that I think you are still stuck on Kathy, even though I know a little bit of you is. How can you not after being married for so long. Elliot…you are a great guy and any woman would be lucky to have you. I just don't think that girl should be me."

"Any why the hell not? Look, I know that you have been through a lot when it comes to relationships and I know that…"

"Stop. My fuck ups with relationships has nothing to do with me saying no to you right now. Elliot, you are a great father and a great friend but the truth is that I am not…marriage material, at least not the kind you are used to. And I…"

"Liv, I'm not asking you to marry me. I'm just hoping for one damn date."

I could see her head sliding from side to side and her chest congesting as air flowed in and out. "We both know that one date will not be all. Will date for months then you'll ask me to move in, I'll say no because I like my space and then hell will break loose, our friendship will go down the toilet and I won't have you at all. Or one of us will do something stupid and we'll still end up in the same place."

"Jesus you've given this a lot of thought. Did it ever occur to you that maybe you might say yes to the moving in thing? That maybe you and I would be or could be great together? Or did you only focus on the negative things?"

Silence. My question had been answered by silence. She never thinks about the good things and always dwells on the bad. Words never seem to get us anywhere anyways so why the hell not.

I make her face me and kiss her with such passion that I didn't even know I had in me. This time, however, she didn't fight me. I could feel her giving in to my menstruation and could feel her wrap her arms around me. To say I was in Heaven would be an understatement. I didn't want it to end but I had to know how she felt, what she intended on doing.

As soon as I looked into her eyes, I could see them watering. Now I was confused. I knew she felt the same for me but what I couldn't understand was why she was fighting so damn hard to push me away.

"I can't…"

"Liv?"

She slowly releases herself from my grasp and walks backward. "Don't do that again. I can't…I can't handle this Elliot."

"What do you want from me?"

"I want you and I to go on as we have been these past six months. I just want us to be friends."

Now I want to crawl under a rock for being so stupid. She doesn't want me or think about me the way I think about her at all. I'm just a friend to her and nothing more. That was the last time I made a fool out of myself. Never again.

"Don't worry. I won't do that again. I'm sorry that I thought you wanted more. I was a fool to think otherwise."

I could see her approaching to comfort me and the last thing I wanted was her pity. I backed up and shook my head.

"I need to get back to work. Cragen's not going to let me off ass duty until I finish that damn paperwork so…yeah."

I turn my back on her and as I open the door I can hear her softly say my name. I stopped and didn't even bother to turn around. I softly whisper, "What?"

"Please tell me that we'll be okay."

I was silent for a few seconds then decide to put on a front for her. It was the least I could do after totally and completely misreading how she felt about me and inadvertently screwing up our friendship once again.

I turn around and plastered a fake smile on my face as I whispered, "Yeah. We'll be okay."

But I know deep down that we won't because all I can think about is how much it hurts. Rejection was never something I had to deal with, at least not since my high school days before I meet Kathy. All I kept thinking about is here is a woman that I made myself fall in love with and not only was she refusing to go on a simple date with me but she still wanted to be friends, a woman that I would have to share every day with. Could I do it?

The rest of the day was spent in silence. Cragen said that I could work no later then eight and it was going on eight now. Olivia was still sifting through paperwork and getting ready for trial in the morning. Silence was all that was shared between us after embarrassing myself on the rooftop. I didn't even notice that she stood up until I heard her chair being pushed in.

"I'm going to head out. Want a lift home?"

"No."

"Elliot, Cragen told you to be off by eight and…"

"I know what he told me. I can call a cab."

She shook her head, looked at the floor and folded her arms across her chest. "So this is how it's going to be from now on? You told me we'd be okay."

"And we will be as soon as I get over feeling like a damn idiot."

Her eyes redirected themselves on to me. "You're not…"

"Don't say it. Just…go home Liv. I promise that once I get past this humiliation, we'll be fine. Just…go."

I wasn't yelling or even upset. I just needed to think. With her being this close to me, my head was clouded and nothing made sense. I needed to figure out where I stood and what my next move would be. I couldn't do that when all I wanted was to take her in my arms again and just forget…everything.

"I never meant to lead you on."

"You didn't. I led myself to believe that you could ever feel something more for me but I was wrong and I'll deal with it."

"That doesn't mean I don't feel shitty for…"

"Liv, for the love of God just go!"

Now I was getting irritated. What part of 'just go' was she not understanding? I never intended to get upset because let's get real, I did this to myself. What the hell was I thinking? To believe that a woman as beautiful and amazing as Olivia could ever want me? I must have been out of my mind.

I could see her eyes fill up with tears and see her head bounce up and down as she tried to hold back her disappointment. "We can't go back to being just friends can we?"

"Maybe not right away. I just need time to deal with this."

"Okay. Good night."

And there she went. Dreams of being with her slowly faded along with any hopes I had for the future. Where do I go from here? Usually I wrap myself in my work when things went wrong in my personal life but since Olivia worked with me, that wasn't an option. My only other thought was dating and seeing where my cards fell. Maybe then, I could figure out if I was ready to move on.

**I know it's not as long as my other chapters but I was thinking about how I wanted to write this for a long time and long really wasn't what I had in mind. I know that a lot of shipper fans are hating on me for this chapter but trust me when I say this story will have bumps and some sad parts. I hope that it was a good one but please let me know if you had a problem with anything. **


	5. Peacemaker

**I have been going through a lot of ups and downs when it comes to writing and for some reason this season hasn't really inspired me to write…until now. I realize it's been three months since my last update and for that I know I lost some readers. I hope the ones who have stuck by me enjoy this chapter, as short as it may be, and I promise to try and update more. **

**The title of this chapter only makes sense if you have the new Green Day album. It's what inspired me to write this chapter.**

**Peacemaker **

When I sit back and think of all of the problems I have found myself in, it gives me a headache. I'm not one to cry over the past, to dwell on mistakes or to even consider talking about my issues, whatever they may be. After being rejected, I decided to try my hand at looking for other fish in the sea.

An old buddy of mine from the academy was visiting the city so I thought it would be a perfect opportunity to go out to a bar and throw caution to the wind. Maybe enough booze would help me get back in the game. It had been 3 months since Liv rejected me and I needed to finally have some fun.

As I put away my last file of the day, I could see Olivia side glancing me. I made it a chore to talk to her as little as possible when it came to my personal life. The only conversations we had were about work and the expression she had on her face was telling me she was going to go there now.

"What?"

"What, what?"

"You're giving me a look. What's up?"

"You just seem so…bouncy. What's the anticipation for? Kid's visiting?"

"No. I had them last weekend. This weekend is Kathy."

"Okay. Sorry. I don't have the schedule down yet."

I rolled my eyes and crossed my arms. The idea that she even needs to have it down irritates me. Lately, all I have wanted to do it act like a teenager and say what my son told me he did to his last girl friend, kick her to the curb.

"It' not your schedule to have down."

I could see the confusion shadow across her face. "Okay…I was just saying that you never really talk about them anymore and…"

"No, Olivia I just never really talk about them with you anymore."

She threw down her pin and that's when I knew the guns were coming out. I knew she was upset and that was my goal. I wanted her to be upset. Hell, I wanted her to feel anything other then happy. Call it selfish or childish but she hurt me and I wanted her to feel it to.

"How long is this going to go on?"

I didn't say anything. I just gave her the look I always give her when I'm irritated with her. She knows the look all too well. I shouldn't have to give her a date. If she knew me at all, she would already know the answer.

"Do you want me to transfer out? Because I can do that Elliot."

"Olivia, you have threatened to do that I don't know how many times throughout our partnership. Just once I would like you to actually follow through so I can be surprised."

She stood up without saying a word, pushed in her chair and walked around the desk. She got her coat from the rake and slowly began to walk to the elevators. Just as she was about to step inside she said, very softly, "Be careful, El. You might actually get what you wish for."

"Yeah, that would be a change."

After I heard her leave, I shut down my computer, grabbed my things and headed to the bar where Jerry was meeting me. Mulvane's was having a band and a two dollar all you call it night so to say I was going to drink a lot was an understatement.

I saw him standing at the bar with a drink already in his hand.

"Hey man! Haven't seen you in ages! How have you been?"

"Peachy. What about you?"

And that's when the sob stories began. Jerry and I talked about how shitty our lives became after the academy. Apparently, he had been married three times, had four kids and now he may have to transfer to a different department because of some screw up with a case.

"So, how long has it been since you've had any Stabler?"

"Jerry, I'm not wasted enough to talk about shit like that."

And so the beers continued to flow. I remembered flirting with any chick that came by my way. Funny thing was as the night carried on, the women got hotter and hotter.

The music played and the liquor flowed. Women were filling every crevice and still all I wanted next to me was the one person I was trying to drink away. It was like she was permanently implanted in my brain and no matter what I did, she was going to stay there.

Later on in the night, I remember rubbing up against some woman in tight jeans and some frilly top while Green Day was being played by the wannabe band on stage. I remember sticking my tongue down her throat and then getting more shots of some sweet drink. I don't, however, remember getting to my apartment.

I sat up slowly hoping the room would stop spinning. I realized I was still in my clothes and the coffee pot was going. After feeling an overwhelming sensation in my stomach, I ran to the bathroom and tried to release its contents. That's when I heard someone in the bathroom doorway.

"You need anything?"

_Oh shit. _Olivia. It was Olivia. That's just great. What a way to top off an already shitty night. I had to get smashed on a night when I was supposed to score with some random chick and the one woman I want out of my head just happened to be here in my apartment.

"I made some coffee and there are four Advil on your night stand with a glass of water. I'll be in the living room if you want anything."

After the room stopped spinning, I stood up and tried to walk to the kitchen. I grabbed a hold of the counter and looked at Olivia sitting on the couch reading a magazine.

"How long have I been out?"

"About four hours."

"What the hell happened?"

"Bill from the bar called me and told me that I better pick you up before your life invites more problems then necessary."

"What the hell does that mean?"

"He found you sucking face and feeling up a judge's wife. When I got there, you were passed out in a booth."

Great. That's the last time I go out with Jerry. Not only did he not help me out, he nearly got me thrown in jail. I need new friends.

"Sorry Liv. I was so wasted."

I saw her smile and it made me curious.

"What's so amusing?"

"You called me Liv. You haven't done that in a long time. It feels nice."

"Well, I am still drunk. Call it a slip of the tongue."

She shook her head and stood up. I pissed her off and that's not what I wanted to do, though lately I made it a chore. My little insults have been the norm the past few months and it slipped out from habit.

"I…damn it Liv. I'm sorry."

"I told Bill to no longer call me when you get shit faced. You obviously don't want me in your life so from now on he's going to call your ex. Let Kathy know she has to be on call before you go out."

She headed toward the door and was about to depart when I grabbed her by the arm to halt her. She slowly walked backward and faced me.

"What?"

"I'm sorry and I do want you in my life. That's the problem."

"You are making no sense."

"It's not that I don't want you in my life Liv. It's how. I love that you're my partner, though I haven't really shown it lately. I just…I really wish…I wish I could have you in my personal life as well, but not as a friend."

"I told you that I can't give you that."

"And now I'm telling you that I can't handle it. Seeing you at work only makes me think about how it could have been if you had just given me a chance. I…just wish I understood why."

"Knowing why won't change the fact that you and I could never be."

"But it might help me to move on. Just look me in the eyes and tell me that you don't love me."

"Loving you isn't the problem, Elliot."

"Well then what the Hell is? I'm not much for talking Liv. If you know me at all you know that. I didn't even do that with Kathy but with you…I'm willing to do that."

"I know that you love me and you think you want to be with me but…what if twenty, thirty years goes by and you look at me and say, 'what the Hell was I thinking?' What if you wake up tomorrow and find a message from Kathy asking you to try the relationship again?"

"I'd remind her about the expense of the divorce and all will be taking care of."

"This isn't a joke Elliot."

"And you aren't Kathy, Liv. I'm not going to wake up and regret ever making the decision I made with regard to Kathy and my relationship. It's over. Nothing is going to change that and you sure as Hell can't live your life filled with 'what if's because you are never going to be able to move forward if you did."

"Elliot…"

"Just do me a favor?"

"What?"

"Go home and think about the future. If you still see me leaving then I promise to move on and never look back."

"And if I see it working out?"

"Then allow me to have one month. If I don't convince you that I am not going anywhere and that it will work out then you have my permission to run as far and fast as you want."

"I have your permission?"

"Okay don't go all 'female power' on me now. My head is already spinning from standing upright for so damn long. So will you?"

"I will."

I could hear her laugh and it made me smile. I kissed her hand and watched her leave hoping that she will think about our conversation. My mother always told me not to play with fire because you might get burned but I never understood that saying. How would you ever know what the fire feels like unless you take a chance?

**Please tell me how well or bad I did. I love feedback, no matter the circumstance. I hope you enjoyed it! **


	6. Fire Starter

**I just want to start off by saying how sorry I am for lack of updates. My life has been really chaotic lately and I am trying to find a sense of balance. My writing, unfortunately, has taken a back seat. I'm going to try and change that. **

**Fire Starter**

Two weeks. That's seriously how long it takes for a woman to think about the future? I have been waiting for Olivia to give me the green or red light in our relationship for two damn weeks now. Finally I get some sense of a hope…or doom ahead. I feel like I have been stuck in limbo forever. Seeing Olivia at work and trying to give her time to think was killing me. I don't know how many times I wanted to shake her and scream, "Just give me something! Yes or no, dammit!" Patients has never been a strong suite of mine.

"Stabler."

_Hey Elliot. Can you talk?_

The sound of her voice on my phone made it seem like it was important but I did have the kids over. Richard was kicking everyone's butt in Monopoly. I never did like this game. There's a reason why I became a cop and not a Real Estate Agent and why Kathy handled all the finances.

"Uh…I have the kids but if it's important I can take the phone in my room."

_I just want to know if you could meet me for coffee tomorrow before work._

"Sure. Same place as always?"

_Yeah. Say hi to the kids for me and I'll see you around 7 tomorrow?_

"7 sounds good."

After hanging up the phone, I couldn't help but feel a sense of fear. I knew that one way or another, I was going to transfer out. Queens Homicide was in need of a good detective and I already had the transfer papers ready to get processed. If Olivia did want to give it a go then we couldn't work together and if she didn't then we still couldn't work together.

Being around this woman was like being 14 again. I had nervous sweats, sweaty palms and shaking hands. My heart raced whenever she was near me but the strange thing about this whole situation is that I never felt this way about her the entire time we were partners. I never truly saw what she meant to me until I had lost Kathy. It was as if a barrier had been broken down and I could see clearly for the first time. Sure I cared about her and I would have given my life to protect her. Somehow the feelings for her changed.

"Dad, it's your turn."

I returned my attention to my kids and just had to wait until I talked to Olivia tomorrow. Dwelling on the unknown was only going to irritate me.

"You have to pay me Lizzy. You landed on my hotel."

"No I didn't! I landed on Dad's hotel space and I paid him! Stop cheating!"

"I'm not! Dad's is the one on the left corner! This is the right stupid!"

And the family feud began. "Don't call your sister stupid. Liz, just take away the money you put on my pile and give it to your brother."

Elizabeth rolled her eyes and threw the fake money at her brother. Seeing my kids like this always put a smile on my face. Richard smiled because he knew it would make his sister even more upset and I rolled my eyes because my son's sarcasm came directly from me.

After dropping the kids off at school the following morning, I headed to the coffee shop Olivia and I have been going to for years. Cafe Lalo in the Upper West Side is a great place for sweets with coffee and in my older age I have been craving sweets like you wouldn't believe.

The smell of the coffee and the coffee cakes overwhelms me as I enter the coffee shop. I see her sitting down at our usual table with my coffee sitting across from her. I had to smile at how well she knew me. After setting my coat on the back of the chair, I sat down rather slowly. A mixture of anticipation as well as fear flooded my senses.

"Hey."

Olivia looks down at the coffee cup in her hand. "Hey. How was the visit with the kids yesterday?"

"Good. I think they were a little eager to leave though. I really need to find a bigger place. That shoebox I live in is way too small to have two teenagers and a small infant for more than a few hours, let alone a whole damn weekend."

"I'm sure you could find something here."

"I think I may have to venture out of Manhattan. Brooklyn is just not going to work so I think I might have to stick to Queens."

She shook her head in agreement and breathed in deep. I could see that I wasn't the only one nervous sitting at this table.

"So…what did you want to talk to me about?"

It was silent for a few seconds but she answered me, her eyes were focused the entire time on the table dividing us.

"I think I want to try and maybe give a relationship a go but I do want to lay some ground rules, so-to-speak."

"Ground rules? Are you serious?"

"Yes. I care about you a lot Elliot and I do want to see where this leads but for a while I would like to keep it between us. No one at work can find out and your kids can't know either. I want to try and figure this out with you and no one else. I also want to take things slow. Relationships in the past haven't exactly worked for me for many reasons and I don't want to ruin things between us because we rushed into something neither of us were ready for."

"Anything else?"

She finally looked at me with a very serious look. I know that she has had issues with commitment in the past but I never thought those issues would ever be transferred over to us. For some naive reason I always thought that Olivia and I would have no problems if we ever decided to be together. Hell, she knows me better then I know myself sometimes.

"Elliot…"

"I know. Sorry. Look Liv. I have done the marriage and baby makes 5 thing. I'm not looking for a lifetime commitment yet. I want to take things slow as well but I won't be able to do that without being given a chance. That's all I want. The work thing won't be an issue anyways."

"And why the hell not?"

"I already requested my transfer to Queens Homicide. They need a good detective and I need to be close to my kids, not to mention the job is just getting to be too much for me to handle."

"Too much to handle? Who the hell are you trying to fool Elliot? I have been your partner for a long time. I know when you are making excuses."

"Yeah well…"

"If we want this to work then you have to stop this."

"Stop what?"

"Holding back the truth or how you feel. Hell just talking would be nice."

Talking. That was never my strong suite. Growing up in my household was like growing up in a Monastery. No one ever talked for fear of being criticized, hurt or belittled. My father was good at making people feel less then what they were and talking would only make matters worse. Though I did struggle with it, I have gotten better at opening up, though I still think that some things are best left unsaid.

I took a sip of my coffee and looked around the café. People all around us were talking and smiling and carrying on with their lives as if props in a play. One lady was just standing in a corner chatting about the damn cab driver that almost ran a woman on the crosswalk over. Just watching all of these people go on with their lives made me stop and want a life with this woman sitting in front of me. The only way I was going to be able to do that was to play along and give in to her requests.

"Alright. I got the transfer in because one main reason. I knew that we couldn't work together if we either worked on a relationship or if we chose not to."

"When did you request it?"

"About a week ago."

"You see! This is what I am talking about! You should tell me things like this. What if I was the one that wanted to transfer or I wanted to continue to work with you but we could have found a way round the awkwardness! You have no consideration for how I would feel about a huge decision like this!"

"That's not true! I do consider you Liv. That's a large part of the reason why I decided to leave."

I knew I had confused her by the look she gave me.

"What the hell are you talking about? Why would I not want to work with you?"

"Are you kidding me? Did you not see me after you rejected me? Do you not remember the last few months? Olivia, I don't know if you have noticed but I am a huge asshole when I don't get my way."

"Oh trust me. I've noticed."

"Yeah well…I know that I couldn't handle being rejected a second time so I made this decision for both of us. Yes, I should have talked to you but I wanted to give you space to be able to think about things."

"That cannot happen again. You have to talk to me."

"I promise that in the future I will make a conscious effort to talk more but you need to understand that talking has never been a habit of mine. You need to understand that I am not telling you things out of routine rather than me just not wanting you to know."

She took another sip of her coffee and shook her head in agreement. In everything that Olivia and I have been through, we understand each other probably better then Kathy and I ever did. Before, body language was the bigger understanding but now we were going to have to work on verbal understanding. I was more than willing to sail that ship. Hopefully so was she.

"When can I take you out?"

"Take me out?"

"Yeah, on a date."

She laughed that adorable laugh and smiled at me. "A date? Elliot, dates are for people who are trying to get to know each other. I think you and I know each other well enough."

"Dates can be more than just getting to know each other. It's to have fun and maybe get a little nooky." I moved my eye brows up and down and smiled at her as she laughed.

"You're not getting lucky that soon Stabler. You have to earn it."

"Hence the date. I want to show you my moves. You can tell me if they work or not by giving me certain body languages to."

"Moves? Elliot Stabler has moves. Now this I have to experience. I think we might be able to perform this date on Saturday night. We both have court so all we would have to worry about is paperwork."

"Performance? My moves are not performed they are perfected. Get prepared Benson. Saturday night you are going to fall head over heels in love with me."

"Yeah. Yeah…We will see."

We both laughed and headed out of the café and back to the real world. Keeping this a secret was not going to be an issue but holding back would be. I wanted so much to kiss her right now but perhaps I will have to wait until she made the first move. I don't want to over step my bounds and cross a line she isn't ready to tangle with. But whenever she is ready, I will be there standing and waiting in anticipation. I feel like I have waited all my life for a woman like this. I figure waiting a few more months won't cause me to burst into flames. Olivia will always be there to put out the fire.

**I realize this is rather short but I wanted to give my readers at least a little something until I can get back in my writing grove. I hope the little you did get was to your liking. I'm finding it rather hard to write from a male perspective so I hope it's coming out okay. Please let me know if you think it's not.**


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